Annie Likes

Standards are too high, I’m never ever ever never ever ever ever good enough to be the best

that picture below seriously haunts the fucking shit out of me. God, I don’t talk about this at all on here really.. but all of this bullshit has been on my mind a lot lately. The memories and the debate going back and forth, back and forth, should I do it, should I not, should I, I shouldn’t. When I heard that an eating disorder stays with you forever I didn’t really believe it. Well now I do. For the past 5 and a half years I don’t think there has been one day where I have not had a thought revolved around food, weight, my body, etc. Not one fucking day in almost six years that I’ve gotten a break from this shit. I hate it, I fucking hate it. I think maybe this shit would be easier if I was 95 again like the picture, I know it’s not but I feel like sometimes I have nothing to lose because I know the thoughts will never, ever leave. 

I am in so much pain, and it doesn’t remind me of how hard I was working… it reminds me how short this career could be

This is tough. Not really sure what to say right now except that I want to rewind to 2006 because even though everything was horrible, I was comfortable. Where did all of my will power and discipline go?! I was 13, don’t you think an 18 year old would have more self control than a little 13 year old? 

Seriously once I move back home it could go either way.. +20 or -20. Theres no in between. 

But God, these memories and thoughts will not leave me alone!!!

Today a kid I went to Buckeye with hung himself. I wasn’t friends with him, nor did I know him very well. He was in one of my history classes and all I know is that he was that kind of jokester, trouble maker kind of kid. 

Even though I wasn’t close with him, it still touched my heart. Knowing that someone was in that much pain to take their own life is just heartbreaking for me. There are so many different things he could have done instead, suicide is never an answer. 

Life is too precious to just throw away like that. Life is worth fighting through the pain because once you get through that pain, whatever it might be, life is beautiful. Life is worth living, but life is also what you make it to be. 

Rest in peace Liam

1. Don’t pull your leotard down so it looks like it has shorts, it makes you look retarded, frumpy, and fucking gay.

2. What’s the point of wearing a skirt if it isn’t going to cover your ass? Don’t wear it.

3. This is a ballet class, don’t fucking tease your hair and put it in a messy bun.

4. Don’t come to class pretending like you’re injured and sit out. We all know you were out partying the night before with your sorority sisters, it’s all over your fucking Facebook.

5. Before you criticize how Pauline teaches, make sure you have perfect technique first… which you won’t. So stfu.

6. Shout out to MARY: Get the fuck away from me when I’m dancing.

I feel like I’m falling apart. I lost friends and haven’t gained any. I was sick for weeks and I now have to drop out of classes. I feel like I’m in the process of losing someone that I never want to let go of. This is all scary

Perfection:

To me, being perfect is the most important thing in the world. Being perfect just doesn’t mean you’re perfect and that’s it. Being perfect means so much more. Perfection is looking beautiful, saying the right things, having an incredible talent, doing the right thing, just being the best. I don’t know about you, but for me, perfection is what I want. So many different aspects drive me to crave the perfection I don’t have. I want to be perfect so badly, I feel like I need it.

I am nowhere near perfection. Not even close, and that makes me sick. 

I want to be a perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, student, sister, teacher, etc. You see in movies, the daughters room is always cute and freaking clean like she has OCD. My room is always a mess. I see my friends getting amazing grades and scholarships, la dee da. Then there’s me; average. No school wants to give huge scholarships to average kids. I see my mom having trouble with things around the house, I don’t help her half the time. I don’t know why, I should. I know I should. Why I just don’t do it makes me even more mad at myself. I piss my friends off. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Sometimes without even knowing.. just acting like myself. It bugs me that when I act like myself people get annoyed or mad. I want to be liked by everyone. I hate that I’m so shy. It always gets twisted into me being a stuck up bitch. It hurts because I’m not, I’m SHY. I can’t force myself to talk, I get anxiety. That’s what holds me back.. not me thinking I’m too good for you. I want to be someone that no one will leave. I don’t want to be heartbroken and break any hearts. I don’t want to be left for someone prettier, smarter, funnier, calmer, talkative, more outgoing, whatever it may be. I want to be perfect.

I want to be the best dancer ever. Something that my mom just brought up last night was the VIP competition that was in February. Both, YES BOTH, of my solos got….. high.. golds. I knew I deserved the high golds too. I knew my performances were not platinum material, that killed me the most. It wasn’t the judges being bias or whatever, it was me being a shitty dancer. The second I got off stage from going my lyrical solo I walked to the stair case right by the wing and started sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I told people it was from my knee, but it really wasn’t hurting that bad. They all knew why I was crying, which made it even worse because it was visible that I did not dance my best. I will never get that day out of my head. The best part of it all, only a few weeks later I got my letter from Point Park saying they were not taking me. I see these little girls on Dance Moms, 8, 9, 10 years old. They’re all better than me. That shouldn’t be. It just makes me want to work and work and work until my feet bleed and my muscles scream. I need to be the best fucking dancer in my classes at Akron. It kills me that Lauren and Tori are in my ballet class. I need to be better than them. That pushes me more in class that my passion for dancing, which is pathetic. And at the studio, I feel like I’m being upstaged by a girl who’s half my height but can jump higher than me. I want to be the perfect dancer who can adapt to any style and slay it. I want people saying I inspire them and that they want to dance just like me. I want people to envy my pirouettes and leaps and control and style and emotion and everything. I love it so much, I want to work until I die to be the best.

The last of my rant is, yes.. you know. The perfect body. Tan, skinny, bones, tone, muscle (not too much, just visible).

• Big blue eyes
• long, thick, dark eyelashes
• little cute button nose
• huge Crest white teeth with no gaps or overlaying teeth
• long blonde mermaid hair
• perfectly arched eyebrows
• high cheek bones
• sharp jaw line
• long graceful neck
• collarbones
• skinny and toned arms with perfect hands and nails
• the round boobs that are normal sized but still look fake
• a teeny tiny waist with tight abs
• hips that are petite
• thighs that don’t touch and that are free from cellulite
• a tight and toned butt
• feet with no scars or callouses from dance

^The perfect body, too bad I don’t have any of those aspects. 

You might just think this is me complaining, well you’re partly right. Although, it is my Tumblr. I’m just saying what is on my mind, and right now this is it.

My last post was happy and whatnot, so I guess it’s time for a more miserable post. 

Well, what is it.. week 6 of school? I have mono. Which explains SO much. Being incredibly tired, and when I say incredibly tired I don’t mean I yawn and want to nap.. I mean I was in ballet with my eyes drooping, I couldn’t keep my arms up, and I felt like I was dying. Plus being cold and just feeling sick.

I have never been so exhausted in my life the past few weeks and I had no idea why. Well now I do after a week of swollen glands, so swollen I couldn’t swallow. Sore throat, puking, ear aches, headaches, body aches, etc. 

I missed this whole week of dance, and will most likely miss next week too. Fml.

Not only that but I’m pale as fuck, poor as fuck, fat as fuck (gained 3lbs), tired as fuck, sick as fuck, and the list goes on.

So yah, things aren’t great but there’s nothing I can really do about it.

I haven’t used dis bitch in a long time. In college now, weeeee. Dancing erryday. A lot of ballet, everyday for 2 hours. Modern twice a week for 2 hours.. which is just way to much because I hate Tom Smith. And then throw some random rehearsal times in there at night mixed in with english comp, psych, and speech during the day. I love college and the fact that I’ve been consuming nothing but brownies from Rob’s, green tea, water, and the occasional Special K bar… and still happened to lose 5lbs since being here.. making a GRAND TOTAL of 10lbs this summer. Of course with no intention of losing weight, which is the beauty of it.

Life iz goooood. I’m happy, (except on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:30-10:35). But, EVERYTHING IS FINALLY WORKING OUT!