Perfection:
To me, being perfect is the most important thing in the world. Being perfect just doesn’t mean you’re perfect and that’s it. Being perfect means so much more. Perfection is looking beautiful, saying the right things, having an incredible talent, doing the right thing, just being the best. I don’t know about you, but for me, perfection is what I want. So many different aspects drive me to crave the perfection I don’t have. I want to be perfect so badly, I feel like I need it.
I am nowhere near perfection. Not even close, and that makes me sick.
I want to be a perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, student, sister, teacher, etc. You see in movies, the daughters room is always cute and freaking clean like she has OCD. My room is always a mess. I see my friends getting amazing grades and scholarships, la dee da. Then there’s me; average. No school wants to give huge scholarships to average kids. I see my mom having trouble with things around the house, I don’t help her half the time. I don’t know why, I should. I know I should. Why I just don’t do it makes me even more mad at myself. I piss my friends off. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Sometimes without even knowing.. just acting like myself. It bugs me that when I act like myself people get annoyed or mad. I want to be liked by everyone. I hate that I’m so shy. It always gets twisted into me being a stuck up bitch. It hurts because I’m not, I’m SHY. I can’t force myself to talk, I get anxiety. That’s what holds me back.. not me thinking I’m too good for you. I want to be someone that no one will leave. I don’t want to be heartbroken and break any hearts. I don’t want to be left for someone prettier, smarter, funnier, calmer, talkative, more outgoing, whatever it may be. I want to be perfect.
I want to be the best dancer ever. Something that my mom just brought up last night was the VIP competition that was in February. Both, YES BOTH, of my solos got….. high.. golds. I knew I deserved the high golds too. I knew my performances were not platinum material, that killed me the most. It wasn’t the judges being bias or whatever, it was me being a shitty dancer. The second I got off stage from going my lyrical solo I walked to the stair case right by the wing and started sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I told people it was from my knee, but it really wasn’t hurting that bad. They all knew why I was crying, which made it even worse because it was visible that I did not dance my best. I will never get that day out of my head. The best part of it all, only a few weeks later I got my letter from Point Park saying they were not taking me. I see these little girls on Dance Moms, 8, 9, 10 years old. They’re all better than me. That shouldn’t be. It just makes me want to work and work and work until my feet bleed and my muscles scream. I need to be the best fucking dancer in my classes at Akron. It kills me that Lauren and Tori are in my ballet class. I need to be better than them. That pushes me more in class that my passion for dancing, which is pathetic. And at the studio, I feel like I’m being upstaged by a girl who’s half my height but can jump higher than me. I want to be the perfect dancer who can adapt to any style and slay it. I want people saying I inspire them and that they want to dance just like me. I want people to envy my pirouettes and leaps and control and style and emotion and everything. I love it so much, I want to work until I die to be the best.
The last of my rant is, yes.. you know. The perfect body. Tan, skinny, bones, tone, muscle (not too much, just visible).
- Big blue eyes
- long, thick, dark eyelashes
- little cute button nose
- huge Crest white teeth with no gaps or overlaying teeth
- long blonde mermaid hair
- perfectly arched eyebrows
- high cheek bones
- sharp jaw line
- long graceful neck
- collarbones
- skinny and toned arms with perfect hands and nails
- the round boobs that are normal sized but still look fake
- a teeny tiny waist with tight abs
- hips that are petite
- thighs that don’t touch and that are free from cellulite
- a tight and toned butt
- feet with no scars or callouses from dance
^The perfect body, too bad I don’t have any of those aspects.
You might just think this is me complaining, well you’re partly right. Although, it is my Tumblr. I’m just saying what is on my mind, and right now this is it.
